Losing Center

Three weeks into the semester, I have determined I am doing too much. Something has to give. But how, when I am fascinated by so much, excited about new ideas and opportunities.

There are a few qualities in common among the things I want to be doing:

  • spending time with children as we discuss what they are thinking, learning, playing, and imagining.
  • listening to my husband talk with great brilliance about Shakespeare’s plays or new books he is reviewing and sharing jokes about anything and everything
  • discussing creative processes and organization of habits with sophisticated students ready for deep reaching dialogue
  • offering insight to younger students with great potential and the smarts to stop engaging in drama long enough to listen and explore themselves through the lens of dance
  • problem-solving interesting puzzles relating to parenting, art, teaching….people
  • continuing the self-care I harvested over the summer through Bikram Yoga and other means

The common denominator: Thinking and moving in honesty

There are a few qualities in common among the things I don’t want to be doing:

  • others’ lack of acknowledgement of great change being necessary and the courage to make it
  • the cleaning up of others’ messes before I can begin my own work
  • having the variables of my environment be imposed upon me rather than a natural response to the needs of the work
  • trying to figure out how I can appear on paper as dynamic as I am in the classroom
  • worrying about decisions I want to make or anticipate making. As Brené Brown puts it in her brilliant TED talk about the Gifts of Imperfection, “making the uncertain certain”.

The common denominator: Feeling I am being asked not to think but to sell and/or do and following through

I am finding that in response to a specific vulnerability, I am trying to do more in order to be more and appear more worthy in specific segments of my life in which I want to invite change.

 

I am finding it goes forcefully against all the progress I made over the last year in terms of opening my mind and practices in teaching, in art-making, and in my self-care.

Today, I take pause to rethink how I am trying to stockpile experience under the guise of marketability and robbing myself of quality experience and most importantly, the time to make connections.

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